Life-isms

More Food drama….

It’s been a while since I last posted about bagels, yellow lights and anything related to the law. We are going to leave that all behind and focus on something more positive; food. I just would like to take a moment and discuss how food has affected my life. My friends are constantly discussing diets and ways to lose weight and what we should and shouldn’t be eating. It’s an endless conversation, literally. What I would like to point out is that I love food. I recently have seen a film entitled, “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.” Truly inspiring if I were 400 pounds I would absolutely be on this juicing diet as well. It looks miserable, FYI. So, I watch the film, we discuss afterwards how important it is to detoxify your body and really eat healthy, which I do for the most part. It is frustrating because, I buy organic, 90% of the time and I cook all the meals and make all the lunches and we don’t eat crap. Never McDonalds (because, let’s face it, that stuff can be nasty and give you the WORST stomach ache!) or Taco Bell or BK, etc. etc. Once in a while Boston Market OR Chipotle. My point is, I eat healthy, or so I think and still, I am tired around 3pm, I can get cranky when I don’t eat and the worst part, I never can lose weight, I have stayed the same or within a 5 pound range FOR ever. I am not looking necessarily to lose weight, I would just like to be skinny. Haha.

After the meeting and the film I come home and tell this all to my wonderful husband who doesn’t say much but might be interested in the juicing thing. OK. That’s a big maybe! I make a decision to start trying to “cleanse” my body of all the toxins. This proves difficult when all we have in the house is bread, a kiwi and some cheese sticks. I think having a family makes it a thousand times harder to do because you are really at their beck and call for food. I can’t make them juice and I certainly can’t ask them to eat just fruits and veggies for the next 10 days! ugh. Just annoying!

I don’t want to consider it “dieting” because I think that is nonsense, i think depriving yourself of something you enjoy is just mean and wrong and no way to go through life. I do believe in moderation and not stuffing yourself with a 100 cookies a day. As much as I believe in everything I have stated, clearly that has NOT worked for me! If I am this disappointed in my eating habits then something has to change. I just don’t know what! I have thought about seeing a nutritionist SO many times but have never followed through. Probably because I already know what they will say? I don’t know!

 

Does anyone have the answer? Dr. Oz? Oprah? Who knows, until then, I will keep going out for dinner, order what I want and suffer the consequences!

 

Happy eating!!

Post Bagel Mishap.

Well, here it is, the BIG finale! I showed up for court nice and early, about 8:40am. I walked in and immediately called the Sgt. who originally told me to call him, gave me his card and EVERYTHING. I am so special, or so I thought. I got a hold of him a little before 9am and he said no problem, everything should be fine, meaning, I won’t have to wait and it should go smoothly. About 5 minutes later I see him coming towards me and we say hi and I show him the documents and he says, “great, Stanky will take care of you.” (Stanky was the cop who pulled me over and I changed his name but not by much).

OK, so skip ahead to about 10:15am when my name FINALLY got called, I get up there and Stanky is standing right by the judge because he is the cop who passes paperwork like on Judge Judy, ya know? Ok, so the judge says, “How do you plead Ms. Cornelison?” and I say, “Not guilty of course because I was eating a bagel!!!” No, i just said not guilty. And the judge says, “Well, you need to see the prosecutor.” And I look at Stanky like, “Um, okay buddy, anytime you want to chime in and say how VERY WRONG you were would be great!” The guy says NOTHING. The judge repeats himself and I am left to turn around and go put my name on a VERY LONG list to see the prosecutor. What?!?! So I am last on the list which is ridiculous because i was the FIRST person at the court! Continuing on and don’t be a hater. Let’s set the scene: I am standing outside the prosecutors office (with 8 lawyers and 5 other people waiting to see him) and next to me is the metal detector machine you need to go through to get into the actual court. Guess who is standing there making sure you don’t bring any guns or knives or metal objects into the court? Yes, Stanky. For the proceeding hour we are left staring each other down and I have to tell you, it took EVERYTHIING out of me NOT to go over and shove a bagel up his nose and yell like a crazy person, “THIS IS WHAT I WAS EATING!!!! NOT MY PHONE YOU MORON!!!” But I didn’t. I then had visions of beating him up with my umbrella and that amused me for a while. And I was thirsty too. OK, I am getting a bit off track.

So it is now 11:30ish? The cops have now switched so Stanky is back in the courtroom and we are left with another policeman. I am pacing a bit thinking I am going to pass out because stupidly I didn’t eat or drink anything thinking i wasn’t going to be THIS long. As I am thinking this in my head, I move over to the policeman and before I know it, I am asking him how long is it possible to go before seeing the prosecutor. He says it usually doesn’t go later than 1:30pm. Holy CRAP! No, i didn’t say that, I actually said, “but i was just eating my bagel!!” And he looks at me very confused and says, “What?” I tell him my plight, show him my At&T bill and he takes it and says, “I’ll be right back.”  So he is gone for about 4-5 minutes (not 45 minutes) and while he is gone I gaze up into the vestibule like ceiling into the slight sliver of a sky and think, “God, is this what you have planned for me today? Is this where I am supposed to be wasting my time? Is it? If it is, fine, I will accept that but really? Aren’t there better things I can be doing??” About a minute later, the policeman walks  out and hands me the “white slip.” He says, “give this to Stanky.” I say, “no way.” So we both go into the courtroom  where Stanky sees me and the policeman gives the judge my paperwork and responds with a, “you are free to go, case dismissed.” I give Stanky the STANK eye and leave with the nice policeman. As we exit the courtroom i whisper to the policeman, “Why couldn’t Stanky have done that 2 hours ago?” And the very lovely and wonderful policeman says, “He’s not the brightest guy in the world.” Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, REALLY? Was it the whole he thought i was talking on my phone and it was really a bagel that made me think he was an idiot???

My other thought process is maybe he was just being a BIG JERK and wanted to see me squirm for 3 hours. But, I don’t think that’s the case. I think really he was an idiot.

Moral of the story, don’t eat a bagel while driving in Summit.

Bagel mishap

Have you ever been pulled over for being on your cell phone, when you weren’t on your cell phone? No? I have. Here’s the crazy story. As a side note I would like to add, I realize this kind of thing happens to some people some of the time, but it happens to me ALL the time. As comical as it is now, when it’s happening the level of anger and frustration goes through the roof.
With that being said, here it is;
I had just finished teaching my 2 hour swim lesson and hadn’t eaten. I packed myself a bagel knowing I could eat it on the way to my dog walking gig at 12:30. I left my place of work and noticed a ton of traffic so, like any good driver I detoured. Let me go back for a second, I looked at my cell phone, checked messages and texts and then put it in my bag next to me on the console (middle of the seat).
Okay, I’m driving and eating my bagel (I am very talented) as I am driving I go through a green light and pass a policemen who was in his cruiser at a gas station just sitting, monitoring traffic or whatever. I go through the light eating my bagel thinking nothing, when I see his lights behind me. ??? Huh???
He pulls me over comes up to the window and says license and registration. I’m thinking, is my insurance expired? Do I have any outstanding tickets???? What!???
I ask VERY politely,”officer, what is the offense?”
He states, “ma’m do u have a pink cell phone?”
I said yes sort of… He said, you were talking on your cell phone. I said, “impossible” and I show him my bagel and adamantly say, ” I was eating a bagel!!” he said then how did I know your phone was pink??
He left me there, stunned. Wrote me a ticket and said I could fight it in court, I could also get the video. Yes, video of me EATING A BAGEL!!!!
Anyone want to hear the kicker? Here it is: I had a PBA card behind my license that I forgot to give him. For those of you who don’t know what a PBA card, its basically a “get out of jail free” card. It was given to me by my husbands uncles who were both cops in North Jersey. Idiot me, forgot!!!
But wait there is more! I go home and call the police station and find out about this so called “video.” The very nice woman tells me i need two letters and a check for $5.00 and I can obtain the video. Great! I type up the letters and decide to drop them off in person, that should be okay. When I get to the police station and find the nice lady on the phone, I ask her, “is it possible to get a ticket for just LOOKING at your phone?” Another side note, I have bluetooth in my car, also, when you look at the calls I made on that day, one was made at 10:35am and one was made at 12:25pm, I got the ticket at 12:00pm. IMPOSSIBLE that I was on my phone! Texts are the same, I only had ONE text message and it was AFTER he wrote me the ticket! ARGHGGHGHGHH!!!
SO. here we are. The nice lady says, “oh, let me ask Sgt. Frank” he had just walked in, some big, huge, beefy guy with arms the size of a tree trunk. Sgt. Frank comes out, I explain the whole situation to him, show him the phone log, tell him about my stupid PBA move, etc..and he says, “Let me go talk to idiot cop.” (He didn’t say that but that’s what i was thinking.)
Sgt. Frank (who is my new BFF) comes back and says, “look, print out your phone record, here is my card (with his cell phone #! Score!) call me the minute you walk in and I will have the judge dismiss it.”
What?! Really?! Like a weight was lifted, like the sun shines, like a piece of dark chocolate appeared out of no where, I finally sighed in relief. When something eats away at you, something so mundane and trite and insipid and all those big words that mean STUPID, and then gets rectified, you celebrate.
Which is why I am eating a ring ding right now.

Wanna write a book? Me too!

I was never a writer. I never had that knack of being able to write something really, really well written. See, I can’t even write a good opening sentence!

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a lot of good ideas. I do have A LOT of good ideas and like my father, they always seem to go no where. Some times. I would say about 20% of my ideas are followed through and actually brought to fruition. (ooh, I love using big words!) The other 80% of my ideas are still fantastic ideas but they go in the toilet. I have always wanted to write a book but I get about two paragraphs in and lose the momentum. I know, I know, take a class, really organize your thoughts, figure out what you want to write about and make SURE its something you know! I have the know how I just need the “do how.”

Then I think, well, I could write about my life and what I have done and where I have been and who I have met but it all seems trite and boring to me. Who cares that I lived in LA for 5 years and worked on a movie and did some commercials and met some famous people. I don’t think its that interesting that I moved to NYC and worked for MTV and did a stupid reality show called, Change of Heart and then Shipmates. They were so silly and plastic. Then I became a teacher, okay that might be a little interesting because I worked in the Bronx for 2 years, got married and then got pregnant.

Then I moved out to the suburbs, became the stereotypical soccer mom with the minivan and wallla, here we are.

Now my life is made up of soccer games, plays, baseball, playdates, dinners with friends, more playdates, doctors appointments, PTA meetings and school board meetings. Ugh.

I also dog walk, teach sunday school, teach swimming, help girls with bullying issues, organize triathlons, hold book clubs at my house and do laundry, food shopping and pick up after my own dog. I suppose we could change the boring up one notch to….what? Certainly not interesting, that would be way to strong! Maybe Amusing? That might fit because, my life can be very amusing. Especially when my daughters shoe gets dropped down the shaft of the Empire State building by accident. Or when my dog ate my daughters freshly pulled front teeth. Or even my son peeing at every stop on 95 from here to Boston.

There are some very amusing stories I could write about. But they only take up a few pages at most, its not a full on STORY. I guess that will have to wait until something really exciting comes along.

(photo from – http://www.freemakemoneyadvice.com/2011/05/23/free-money-advice-n-79-how-to-make-money-as-a-travel-writer/)

Girlfriends, yes, you need them!

Let’s talk about EVERYTHING.

It just hit me tonight. Like a ton of bricks. I don’t know why I haven’t come to this realization before. Girlfriends need girlfriends. I don’t mean the lesbian thing at all. I mean, girls need to talk to other girls.

Bottom line. Why, you ask did that just hit me now, after 41 years of being on this earth? Why hadn’t that occurred to me, say, when i was in my 20’s? I don’t know. What I do know is that my girlfriends around me now, know EVERYTHING about me. My last bowel movement, my last hemorrhoid issue, my last dentist appointment, what my mother-in-law said to me and so on…and so forth…they know more about me than me. Some friends of mine can even remember the exact date and time of some minor and major events that have occurred in my life.

Oddly enough, i don’t remember any of it. They will rattle off, “yeah, I remember when you had your appendix taken out, it was right after so and so was potty trained.” (I do remember having my appendix taken out, for the record.)

My girlfriends are the first people I tell anything to, besides my husband who sometimes is only half listening. They LISTEN, they respond, they encourage and criticize (in a nice way) and most importantly they nurture me, as i them. These relationships are VITAL at this stage of the game we call life. Why? In other words, why can’t our husbands be the “girlfriend?”

A great question, one that has boggled many minds, including my own. Here is my answer, take it for what its worth. Most (because there are a select few) husbands can’t and don’t have the patience to listen to us be “yentas.” A word my good friend Dan loves to use when we are at parties, sitting on the couch “chatting.” But that so-called “chatter” is what keeps us motivated and alive and feeling like we have a purpose in life besides tending to the ever exhausting needs of our children.

This includes working moms as well. They absolutely need that yenta time, in fact, more than once have i heard a working mom friend say, i just want to know what’s going on, what is everyone up to. She needs that “break away” time to feel connected. I suppose, for most, its almost like therapy without the $150 bill at the end of the session. Look, who else is patient enough to listen to me complain about 20-30 different ailments i have had over the past 10 years? My mom and sister are fantastic but they are not in my everyday life.

I need my girlfriends to listen to me. I need them to laugh at my jokes, praise my kids when they do something good and most importantly lend a shoulder when I need to cry about something. Girlfriends are a necessity of life, without them, well, you may as well be a man.