Archives for May 2013

Please pass me a fork, so I can stab you with it.

In times of devastation the warm embrace of true family and friends gets you through the hellishy long yet rapid fire blur of days. You’re vulnerable. Raw. You can’t hide your emotions, no mask can cover this pain. Your body can’t even regulate temperature, you sweat hot and cold. Exhaustion cuts to the core.

It’s easy to be set off. Especially during that awful afternoon where people come by for the funeral viewing. I didn’t want to look at my mom’s body without her spirit, so just finding a place to stand in the room was difficult. I was off to the side until I couldn’t escape when someone kept asking me – “Why’d she do it?”

How the fuck do I know? Since then we’ve all done our own “psychological autopsy” (learning lots of new terms, I wish I was still blissfully unaware of). I think retirement and being betrayed by a young woman who pretended to care about her, but was using her as a pawn as she planned to take as much from my brother as she could, bruised my mom’s heart and gave her too much time to mull things over.

A consult with a pharmacist revealed that my mom should have never been put on a combination of prozac and the anti-anxiety drug buspar without weekly psychological oversight. We learned those drugs together can be toxic and cause an “extreme serotonin event” in the brain. My mom was trying to find counseling, but her family practitioner gave her the drugs without requiring it and it was difficult for my mom to find a psychologist or psychiatrist who accepted Medicare.

She was not in her right mind in that impulsive moment when she took her own life. The drugs had also caused nausea, sleeplessness and weight loss that wore her out more. That I know. I wish I had known more before.

Long story short – at the funeral home of a suicide say – “I’m sorry” – don’t ask for details unless you are close to the family member and they want to share. And realize there may be no logical reason that this occurred. Depression is a dark beast and our easily prescribed “just take a happy pill” medical system can do more harm than good in attempts to tame it.

Rumors keep spreading in the small town I am from – like she planned this ahead of time and paid all her bills 3 months in advance (nothing was paid, there was a full fridge and an $800 propane delivery + she and my Aunt Joan were planning to start exercise classes) and some have said her boyfriend had broken up with her (he had DEFINITELY not, he is heartbroken).

What is true is that a mentally abusive relationship in the past took a toll on her self-esteem as well. Packing up her house, I found a horrible letter where that person e-mailed her “to get your butt down here and start using your backbone for something other than holding your boobs up.” Yeah. Nice guy.

And speaking of that, when someone tells you that they are home because their mom died, leave them alone! Some asshole at the local bar – The Roadhouse – fixated on me. I was there with family and some of my mom’s friends when he kept approaching. I thought he was a son of one of my mom’s friend’s so I was polite.

Then he comes up to me when I am at the bar ordering another much needed drink and says: “How about a one off?” (meaning “you wanna go fuck?”)

I don’t remember my response. Red and black flashed before me and he’s lucky there wasn’t a fork in reach, because he deserved to be stabbed. And I’ve got plenty of hurt and anger to go around for some time.

More Food drama….

It’s been a while since I last posted about bagels, yellow lights and anything related to the law. We are going to leave that all behind and focus on something more positive; food. I just would like to take a moment and discuss how food has affected my life. My friends are constantly discussing diets and ways to lose weight and what we should and shouldn’t be eating. It’s an endless conversation, literally. What I would like to point out is that I love food. I recently have seen a film entitled, “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.” Truly inspiring if I were 400 pounds I would absolutely be on this juicing diet as well. It looks miserable, FYI. So, I watch the film, we discuss afterwards how important it is to detoxify your body and really eat healthy, which I do for the most part. It is frustrating because, I buy organic, 90% of the time and I cook all the meals and make all the lunches and we don’t eat crap. Never McDonalds (because, let’s face it, that stuff can be nasty and give you the WORST stomach ache!) or Taco Bell or BK, etc. etc. Once in a while Boston Market OR Chipotle. My point is, I eat healthy, or so I think and still, I am tired around 3pm, I can get cranky when I don’t eat and the worst part, I never can lose weight, I have stayed the same or within a 5 pound range FOR ever. I am not looking necessarily to lose weight, I would just like to be skinny. Haha.

After the meeting and the film I come home and tell this all to my wonderful husband who doesn’t say much but might be interested in the juicing thing. OK. That’s a big maybe! I make a decision to start trying to “cleanse” my body of all the toxins. This proves difficult when all we have in the house is bread, a kiwi and some cheese sticks. I think having a family makes it a thousand times harder to do because you are really at their beck and call for food. I can’t make them juice and I certainly can’t ask them to eat just fruits and veggies for the next 10 days! ugh. Just annoying!

I don’t want to consider it “dieting” because I think that is nonsense, i think depriving yourself of something you enjoy is just mean and wrong and no way to go through life. I do believe in moderation and not stuffing yourself with a 100 cookies a day. As much as I believe in everything I have stated, clearly that has NOT worked for me! If I am this disappointed in my eating habits then something has to change. I just don’t know what! I have thought about seeing a nutritionist SO many times but have never followed through. Probably because I already know what they will say? I don’t know!

 

Does anyone have the answer? Dr. Oz? Oprah? Who knows, until then, I will keep going out for dinner, order what I want and suffer the consequences!

 

Happy eating!!